A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
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I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
this came to me in a vision
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet