As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
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i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Mornin
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Finished stitching this today 😇
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.