‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
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guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox