NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
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Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.