I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
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My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.