printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
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[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
This is amazing.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
In space, no one can hear…
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.