@meganamram: Noah's flood = God clearing his browser history
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@MrMichaelRose: I went to Lowe's to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don't exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
@GensPlace: Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a note on my windscreen which said, 'Parking Fine.' That was nice...
@orange_rhymer: [robbing bank] leader: go in & grab everything you can *i go in to grab loot* Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-