Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
You Might Also Like
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this