NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
getting old is fun
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.