NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Yup
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business