I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Brb my Sims are getting married
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.