Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
You Might Also Like
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Can. I. Help. You.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.