Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*