I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
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Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
british sex workers really pound for pound
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed