Möther may I have a snäck
You Might Also Like
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.