Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
You Might Also Like
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.