@ObscureGent: Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
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@ScottyBondo: Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
@dorsalstream: Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach! DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I've trained my whole life for this moment.
@MattMcC1: the worst part of being a chuck e cheese janitor is having to kiss each ball in the ballpit goodnight before i turn the lights out.
@rickolantern: The human race won't go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out