@ObscureGent: Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
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@tsunami__7: Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog's face that said "sucks for you, I'm going back to sleep".
@_ElvishPresley_: *reads list of assassin targets* "Eggs, milk...what the-" [CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
@goldengateblond: Watch 'Titanic' backwards and it's the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.