Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
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The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
me: my friends:
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count