Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
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I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I like crazy people until they notice me
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
New tinder profile pic
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling