@InsouciantMan: Nobody ever sneezes in movies.
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@mjkspeaks: Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
@funnybeachgirl: Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he'll be too stoned to attack me.
@david8hughes: [puts dog in car] Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet Wife: why u whispering [car screeches away] Me with wife in headlock: thats why
@chrisanna4real: Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you. I'd like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.