Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
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If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
🙅🏻
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later