wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
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The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?