@kelkulus: Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
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@iwearaonesie: Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn't mean knock him off with a pillow
@ThisLocalHater: I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
@TheTimmyToes: *thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield* General: "STAY STRONG, MEN!" *soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
@timdonakowski: Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.