@kelkulus: Nobody has 3 cats. You either have 1 or 2, but from there you leap directly to 17.
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@hazelmotes1: Kids, you'll never know the pain of digging the innards of a loved cassette out of a cheap stereo and crying as you wind it up with a pencil
@dorsalstream: ME: My new contacts are here! WIFE: Don't put them all on at once like you did last— ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
@Try2StopME: I'm going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
@drewjanda: Inventor of raisins: "What do you like about grapes" me: the juice part, the freshness Inventor: right but what if they had neither