Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
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Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
I only treason on days ending in y
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.