Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
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“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
this is the best interaction on twitter
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.