Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
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Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
I triple waxed for this?
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky