Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
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The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
OKAY DAD
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”