@mydmac: Him: I won't bore you with the details. Me: Too late for that.

@BuckyIsotope: ME: who's a good boy *kissy noises* DOG: I just murdered the cat ME: you are, yes you are *rubs dog's head* DOG: you're next buddy

@david8hughes: [job int] "& what are your areas of weakness?" [leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers] "I don't like people touching my nose."

@WeedGifss: "A minute bro" 😂 😭 😂 😭

@StevieKnip: [accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom] Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex? [every boy in the class checks their phone]