Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
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Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
shut up and take my money
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.