Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
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Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*