@SuperRandomish: Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
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@Reverend_Scott: Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they're causing all new problems.
@EvilHarpy: Man at the dog park: Who's a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL???? Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
@ImFunnyMang: And on the 32nd day, God had forgotten to end his free trial, so he was charged for the month.
@shutupmikeginn: You gotta give it up to whoever invented mistletoe at Christmas, all they did was hang up a weed, but were like, "now ye must kiss me."