Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
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This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Why soy sad?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming