Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
You Might Also Like
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
me irl
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”