Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
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Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.