Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
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what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??