nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
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Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.