@TheCatWhisprer: Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
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@TheBoydP: Not to brag but my son's friend said "Your dad looks hot" when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with "Is that heat stroke?" but still.
@ConanOBrien: This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
@TheDailySchmuck: I was dating this girl until I found out she stuffed her bra with tissue paper. Then I was hooked because serious allergy issues.
@CEHudspeth: "I can try" is a great response to invitations because you're not even committing to trying.