Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
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“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.