Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
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My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
😎 🍻
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Is anyone gonna tell them?
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!