Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
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[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Why am I like this?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride