NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
i now pronounce you bounced.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world