NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
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Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*