NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
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My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail