@Cryptoterra: NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
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@KentWGraham: I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
@ABurgerADay: What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
@ArfMeasures: ME: The kids have ruined their shoes WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out [Later] ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
@ericsshadow: When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I'm going to ask him for some dating advice.