NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
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my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.