nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
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My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.