asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
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You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”