It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
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I triple waxed for this?
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market