How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
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Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.