ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
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I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Selfie
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Our lord and savoury.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.