Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
You Might Also Like
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.