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stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
@Turbo_Jimmy: "Ok Noah, that's 2 of everything! Did I see a 3rd sheep in your office tho?"
"Yea I did, it had lipstick on?"
Nope, raise the anchor
@clichedout: me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you're not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
@Zac_Franklin: my default response when someone questions a risky text of mine is "sorry, I was drunk."
But now everyone thinks I'm an alcoholic so..shit.
@: Who else got a PhD in imagining themselves in a situation that will never happen?