@E_Ville13: Nobody suspects that you're digging a grave when you're always working on your landscape.
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@abbycohenwl: [chameleon conference] Boss: Is... everyone here? *crickets* Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx Keith: You're welcome
@ericsshadow: A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
@FatherofTweet: Wife: "The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie." Husband: "Which is this?"