COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
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the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
This hospital has everything
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.