Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
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I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*