It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
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According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”